unedited

in the 9th grade my friend told me that i walk down the halls like i could beat someone up and right now i'm thinking about what exactly he meant by that.
right now i'm sitting in my room that hasn't been clean since last wednesday and i'm looking at dried flowers from a wedding who's marriage didn't last a year and i'm thinking about how tomorrow is monday
tomorrow is monday
tomorrow is monday and i get to talk to my best friend
and tomorrow is monday
 right now i'm thinking about the way Nelson always says 'thank you' after he reads something and how i love classical music but i never say that when people ask me what kind of music i like
right now i'm thinking about how my mom is stressing out about me graduating and right now i'm thinking about how i just re decorated my room and i'm not even going to be living here 6 months from now i have a plan
i have a plan
 i have a plan but i dont' know what to do in between
in between i get so stuck
it's raining right now and i hope it's still raining when i wake up
should i go to first period tommorow
i'm sorry mom and i'm sorry dad but imma be gone soon
i'm thinking about my dog and how i worry he's going to die sad and about how i bought brand new paints and i haven't had the time to sit down and paint and i just want to paint and do art and draw and let my mind wonder onto paper i want to create i want to create i want to make something new
i have a couch in my room that i never sit on
and my sister is going to be alone in high school next year and right now i'm thinking about how ty sent me a letter all the way from mexico that took a month and a half to get here and all it said was "i love you & i wanted to make sure you got a flower today" and how i just got new sheets and how rilo will reach up and hold my hand and how eddie is less than a month old but she holds your finger so tight and that is such a subtly beautiful thing

i hope it's still raining when i wake up

OK

This last summer a couple friends and I headed out to go camping down south at the hot pots near Filmore. It was a two hour drive on a road that seemed to never end.

These natural hot springs came into a field in the middle of nowhere, and I've been there plenty of times since then but nothing has been quite like this night.

It was us, the water below & the stars above. The air was clear and crisp. Everything was OK. even when it was silent. The sky was empty, there was no moon. You could see the stars perfectly, and they were beautiful. We'd get excited every time we saw a shooting star. It felt as if we were the only ones on earth at that moment.

You could see down in the water for a couple feet but the rest was pure darkness. I would hold my breath and slowly let my body sink down into what seemed like an oblivian. For a few seconds I felt unbound from any earthly thing. It was just me, floating. Almost as if my body was completely lifeless, my thoughts became more tangible than my body. Life paused for a moment, midnight turned into 3 a.m. & 3 a.m. into 4 and before we knew it we were watching the sun rise over the mountains. The light slowly warming the dew coated grass. Time stood still for us, i felt so in tune with my body but sleep never occurred to me. We didn't party all night, we were never too loud or did anything crazy. We just talked and when we weren't talking it was silent and it was OK. Everything was OK